Monday, 12 February 2018

Things I'm thankful for today.

My girlfriend had her stem cell harvest today and it was successful.
Bad jokes, actually all jokes and humor in general.
Flying to Vancouver tomorrow to visit my middle daughter.
The weather warmed up today.
Time to sit with a patient's family and answer all of their questions.
The big guy.
Homemade cookies.

What are you thankful for?

Friday, 9 February 2018

My beautiful son, thirty-four years ago.  I was far too young to be a mom but that's how things happened.  When he was two weeks old I applied for nursing school and was accepted.  I knew that his father would never be able to care for us;  I would need a good job to support us.  When he was ten months old I broke up with his father but never stopped either his father or his grandparents from seeing him.  He was always a part of their family too.  I still talk to his grandmother on a regular basis.

I left his father because of lies and alcohol.  I didn't want my son growing up with a father who lied about everything.  I thought I could protect my son.  Turns out I couldn't and it breaks my heart.

My son was in jail last summer for domestic violence.  He and his girlfriend were drunk and he hit her.  This happened twice, once in February and once in June.  Both times there was a no contact order and he violated those no contact orders four times.  He spent 100 days in jail and was released last September.  He is on probation for one year with the requirement that he not drink alcohol and not contact his ex girlfriend.  He did both.  He's still in contact with her, he still drinks himself into oblivion.

He has texted me twice in the last two weeks telling me he wants to die and is surprised he's still here.  He asks for money, begs for money.  He tells me he will end up on the street.  He's hungry.  He pulls every string he can think of to get what he wants which is just money.  More money to drink or buy drugs or fuck women.

And I tell him no.  What he doesn't understand, couldn't possibly understand is the price it costs me to say no to my son.  It's painful and always drags me under a little.  Eventually the drag that is only a little adds up and I'm drowning again.

The big guy says my son needs to hit rock bottom.  I know this.  I get it but it's awful to watch.  He is a part of my heart.  I don't even like him anymore but he still lives in my heart.  And oh my god it hurts.

And the worst part is the knowledge that I couldn't protect him from his father, from his genes, from his fate.  He is his father's son.

Thursday, 1 February 2018

Another one of the big guy's shots. 

Things I'm thankful for today.

Going back to the mountains next weekend.
My girlfriend got her central line in yesterday and I got to hang out with her while one of our awesome radiologists put it in.
Spent last evening with a young friend and her two year old daughter.  I got to play and my friend got to clean her place.
A clean dog.  She got a bath this morning because she stunk.
Going to visit my daughter in Vancouver in two weeks.
A furnace that works.  Ours quit on the weekend and a very nice man came and fixed it for us.
The big guy.
Speaking up for myself.
Talking to a counselor.
Lunch with a friend today.

What are you thankful for today?

Friday, 19 January 2018

This is one of the big guy's photos.  I'm pretty sure it's on the ice field parkway but not 100%.  That highway is the most beautiful road I've ever been on.  

I'm enjoying my reduction in hours at work.  I'm only working four days a week now and have a whole extra day every single week to do as I please.  Right now it pleases me to paint the big guy's house.  His daughter and family moved out of it in October and we have renters moving into it in a couple of weeks.  I'm basically repainting everything as I never did like the colors his daughter chose.  And she left a multitude of holes in the walls.  It's just easier to repaint.  I enjoy it and everything looks new and fresh.

The days are getting longer.  Last night I left work at 5pm and there was still light in the sky.  It was marvelous, and this morning the sun is just coming up now and it's only 8:30am.  The worst is behind us.

I'm feeling much better.  My son has moved out.  He continues to lie and mess up his life but I have stopped feeling responsible for his behavior and stopped feeling guilty as well.  I don't know if he'll ever figure it out but it's his life. 

The deep grief I felt at having my granddaughters torn out of my life is getting better.  I told the big guy that it was comparable to the grief I felt when Katie was diagnosed.  It was a death in the family.  I'm working my way through it.  I worry about my granddaughters and pray for them nightly but can do nothing.  It's difficult.

Things I'm thankful for today.

The big guy.
Going to visit my middle daughter in a few weeks.
Miss Katie is definitely not pregnant and will have bloodwork done to investigate her lack of periods.
Cannabis for Miss Katie.
Time to do nothing or anything.
Being the old nurse at work who can mentor.
A good book to read.

What are you thankful for today?

Monday, 1 January 2018

Last year kinda kick my ass.  I spent the last three weeks of the year on medical leave.  I'm feeling much better.  I'm thankful for anti depressants and thankful I found a good counsellor.  I've also had assigned reading which has been enlightening.  Apparently I'm not the only one with children who disappoint and abuse.

I have not been taking care of myself and that needs to change.  I told my son that when he got out of jail that we told him that he could stay with us for three months and that his three months were now up.  He looked a little surprised but said that he would move out next weekend, which I will hold him to.  My son is not going to change and I need to accept that.  I don't know why he does the things he does but it doesn't really matter.  His life is not my life.  I need to stand back.

I need to work on forgiving my step daughter which will not be easy.  She hurt me, she hurt her father and she hurt her daughters.  Adults are one thing but you do not hurt children, ever.  This one will require work.

I start working four days a week now which will help me find more balance between work and my life.  I need time to exercise and relax.

I have also started quilting which I'm enjoying.  I love learning new skills.  I want to make my children and grandchildren quilts as keepsakes.  Something to remember me by when I'm gone, which hopefully won't be for a long time.

I'm thankful that I'm healthy and that my family is healthy.

I'm thankful for my friends.

I'm thankful for beautiful sunrises.

I'm thankful for home baking.

I'm thankful for a place to share my thoughts.

I'm thankful I continue to grow and learn.

I'm thankful for a small beagle who likes to sit on my lap and keep me warm.

What are you thankful for?

Wednesday, 27 December 2017

Christmas has come and gone thankfully.  The big guy and I missed our granddaughters terribly.  Children are the reason for Christmas after all.

I see my family doc tomorrow to see how my antidepressants are working.  I'm feeling better.  Don't think about suicide anymore.  My intrusive thoughts have become less intrusive, they don't hang around all day like unwelcome guests.  I see my counsellor next week which I'm actually looking forward to.  She is a sane woman who asks good questions.

My counsellor pointed out to me that the big guy and I have let our children hold us hostage.  We both feel guilt for not being better parents when they were young.  I was twenty-one when my son was born.  I was a single mother who went back to work when he was five weeks old because I had no money.  When he was four months old I started nursing school which was full time for twenty-two months.  He was taken care of by my mother and day homes.  When he was almost three years old I met my ex-husband.

And yes I feel guilty for not spending more time with him.  For being tired and stressed and angry.  For not being a better mother.  For my poor choices when I was a young woman.  But I can't undo any of the past.  I have apologized to him but now I need to let go of my guilt and quit enabling him to be a child.  He is thirty-three years old and still acts like a child.  He's self centered, impulsive and thoughtless.  I put up with it because of my guilt.  It's not doing either of us any good.

The big guy has to quit doing penance as well.  He was an alcoholic and a workaholic.  He was not a good father.  He can't change that either.  He and his daughter need to work out their relationship if there is to be any reconciliation.  And she needs to grow up and stop blaming her father for everything that has gone wrong in her life.  The big guy never pushed his daughter to talk.  Maybe he knew she would just run away rather than have difficult conversations.  She doesn't like to look at how the world really is, she prefers to live in denial, in pretend land.  Her children will suffer because of this and she will in turn feel guilt and do penance.

Time to break the cycle.

Sunday, 24 December 2017

Christmas Cheer

I think everyone could use a laugh this time of year.  Wishing you all a very Merry Christmas and thank you for your kind thoughts.

I'm healing, slowly.  Baking too much.  Learning how to quilt.  Staying warm.  Laughing with Miss Katie.  Getting lots of hugs from the big guy.

Take care all.