Monday, 15 May 2017
My son and I aren't really speaking. Last fall he sent me a series of texts in which he told me to fuck off and told me that the best gift I could ever give him would be to never see him again. That didn't stop him from repeatedly asking me for money. A few months ago he texted me to tell me that he had been diagnosed as having bipolar disorder.
My son lives with a woman who has three children, none of them are his. When he told me that he was diagnosed he also asked for money for his rent. I told him no but that I would pay for his medication. I don't know if my son has bipolar disorder or not, the medications he's on are antipsychotics and antidepressants. He was diagnosed by a doctor at a walk in clinic, not a psychiatrist. My son is also a habitual liar.
I have a very good friend who has bipolar disorder. It's a horrible disease. My friend was trending up into mania last week when we were talking about my son and she told me she was surprised that I didn't have more involvement with him because I'm so supportive of her struggle. I told her that I had to protect myself from him and that I don't have to protect myself from her. She is my friend, there is space between us. There is very little space between a mother and her child.
I want to help my son but he is angry with me. Angry that I remarried. Angry that I don't give him money. Angry that I don't do what he wants, when he wants. I don't know how to support him without getting sucked into his lies, so I don't. I keep him at arm's length to protect my own heart.
I just finished reading a very good book about bipolar disorder, "My Lovely Wife in the Psych Ward" by Mark Lukach. It gave me more insight into what it's like living with someone with bipolar disorder and the effects it has on a family. But it also made me feel resentful, I already have one dependent adult child, I don't want to care for another one which makes me sound like an awful mother but it's true. I'm tired of taking care of others. I know it's not my son's fault but I can't deal with this right now. It hurts to much. Every time we are in contact he hurts me again so I do feel the need to protect myself.
I need to find a way to support him that doesn't drain me.
Friday, 12 May 2017
I do love flowers. I love just being outside, feeling the wind and the sun on my face, digging in the dirt, listening to the trees.
I've had a tough week, feeling depressed. It's starting to lift now but man I hate feeling depressed. It sucks the life out of me, makes smiling hard, makes my eyes leak even more than usual and my body feels like I am dragging it around.
But it passes and for that I am deeply grateful.
Monday, 1 May 2017
I just finished reading a lovely lady's blog and it made me think about kindness towards one's self. I'm not very good at that. I like to think I'm a good person but I know I can be very unkind, short tempered, judgmental and impatient. Do those qualities make me a bad person? Or are they just a part of me? Like the compassion I feel for others, my sense of humor and my work ethic? I guess I only want the good stuff and not the bad stuff. Except are those qualities even bad? Again with the judging:)
I still struggle with the fact that I dislike people, even if I have reasons to dislike them. I don't forget when people hurt me or lie to me or stab me in the back. Am I supposed to forgive everything and everyone? I'm not able to hide my feelings. Every single thing I think or feel shows on my face which makes it difficult at times. I try and fail and try and fail to get along with some people.
I think when it comes down to it, I don't trust myself, my feelings or my thoughts. I second guess myself all the time. Is this real? Should I feel like this? Why can't I be easier, less meticulous, more relaxed? And yet I am relaxed at times. I tend to think in black and white, either, or, when life is much more messy and gray and both at times.
I doubt this lovely tulip worries that it is so different from the others around it.
Friday, 28 April 2017
I haven't written in a long while. Life has been busy with work and family but maybe that's an excuse. I don't make the time to sit down and write.
We were in Vancouver this past weekend to visit my middle daughter. We had a lovely visit. She's turned into a nice young woman. She was mad at me for so long, I'm thankful that we are getting closer again. I've missed her a great deal.
On the way home we stopped at the Abbotsford Tulip Festival and took photos. It was beyond beautiful. Naturally I burst into tears. It amazes me how much beauty there is in this world, and how much ugliness at the same time. I know the colors don't look real but I haven't touched them.
Katie broke her arm almost six weeks ago and had to have surgery. She has done well, all things considered. The bone is healing slowly but it's healing. It doesn't seem to cause her much pain anymore. The medical marijuana that we started her on shortly before she broke her arm is helping her anxiety. She's more like her old self, smiling, relaxed, friendly. Not afraid and defensive. We still have kinks to work out but it's coming. She also had to move in the middle of all this and is doing well in her new home.
And me. I'm happy enough most days. The days are shorter. The leaves are ready to burst forth. Work is better now, most days we are fully staffed which helps. My patients still teach me something new everyday.
I still forget to relax and enjoy my life. I see it in my daughter as well. This need to work and work and work to makes things perfect when life can never be perfect; when life is supposed to be messy and enjoyable. I try. It's just hard for me to sit still and be. The closest I come to being is when I'm walking which is something I guess. A start.
My granddaughter helps me to remember to be as well. To play and enjoy life. Note to self, spend more time with little people.
Saturday, 18 February 2017
Thursday, 16 February 2017
I'm sick right now. I have the flu and it hit me hard. I woke up Tuesday morning feeling too awful to go to work and laid or lay, can never which one is correct, on the couch all day. I also had to cancel my flight and hotel because I was supposed to fly out to Vancouver yesterday to visit my daughter but I couldn't because I felt like shit.
I'm feeling like a decrepit old lady, wandering around my house in my housecoat. I still feel rotten, although not as bad as Tuesday. Yesterday morning I felt so awful that I phoned the big guy at work crying because my body felt so awful, pain everywhere, headache, fatigue, diarrhea, fever, fainted on the toilet.
I have been very lucky in my life to have never suffered any serious illnesses. I had pneumonia once when I was twelve years old, still the sickest I've ever been in my life. But I have spent a lifetime caring for people who are suffering with some horrible illnesses, some short term, some long term. How do my patients do it?
We have a patient right now who will die, there is no other option. She's around my age. She has been in the hospital for months now. She comes down for tests on almost a daily basis. She is miserable. Her partner lives a the hospital. Nothing will get better for her, until she dies. She is suffering. She has tubes everywhere. She can't eat. We drain fluid off her abdomen every few days. It's horrific really. Modern medicine has figured out how to extend life but not how to stop suffering.
I had difficulty suffering for two days. How do people go on knowing that every day will entail suffering, until they die?
Sunday, 15 January 2017
Things I'm thankful for today.
We took Katie out today. It's been a month since her meds were adjusted. It was like a new young woman. Or perhaps the Katie I remember. Her signing was incredible. She didn't get stuck in ruts very much, by ruts I mean stuck on one word or topic that she keeps signing over and over and over again until she gets upset, unable to get out of the rut. She even helped me remember signs I haven't used in ages. I took the new communicator over to her place and she was using it and laughing because she kept picking "I want to go for a walk". She tried all the buttons but remembered where "I want to go for a walk" was and kept purposely pressing that particular button. She had a very short bout of anxiety when a woman got to close to her but I hugged her tight and told her she was safe. The cape didn't have to be on the whole time and she even walked for a bit when we first got to the mall and there was almost nobody there. Color me surprised and so thankful.
The weather has warmed up and I was able to take the dog for a long walk this afternoon. I even took her into the deep snow to run off some of her energy. The sun was shining. It was lovely.
Supper is cooking, our granddaughter and her parents are coming over for supper.
I slept for twelve hours last night. Wow did that ever feel good.
What are you thankful for today?