Sunday, 6 August 2017


I haven't been writing because I've been feeling overwhelmed.  We are still, always, short staffed at work.  That never seems to end.  I'm not one to give my patients less just because there is less time which makes me both mentally and physically exhausted.  Which leads to a melt down and crying.  Which leads to calling in sick, which makes work even more short staffed.  Which leads to guilt, which leads to crying.  You can see where this is going.  Even though I can see it, it's difficult to change direction once I'm going down that road.  I am working on it though.

My son is in jail.  The same son who told me to fuck off and that he never wanted to see me again.  Yes, him.  He called about a month ago to let me know that he was in jail.  He and his girlfriend had been drinking and fighting.  The police were called and he was charged with assault and given a no contact order.  Twice.  So now he is in jail with two assault charges and four breech of no contact orders.  He doesn't get it.  He doesn't seem to have any remorse.  Doesn't seem to have any deep understanding of his own part in this fucked up play he calls his life.  He is a pathological liar but the worst lies he tells are the ones he tells himself.  I love him but I don't trust him which is difficult.

And my dog Lucy has been sick which sounds like a country song but it is horrible watching an animal in pain.  She is a rescue dog and before she came to us she was used as a hunting dog.  I imagine she was run hard and pretty much ignored.  Half her teeth are missing.  She was skin and bones when we got her.  And now she has something called spondylosis which is not fatal, just painful.  She also has an enlarged heart.  The hardest part though is the space she takes up in our own hearts.  She is a sweet, good natured, funny dog that has taken up residence in my heart.  To watch her suffer was painful.  She is on medication now though for the pain and is feeling much better.  She lays curled in a patch of sunshine by my feet as I write this.

My son called again last night.  He calls a lot now because well, he's in jail and has nothing better to do.  He called last night, only caring about himself and his own life, oblivious to the needs of those around him.  After I hung up the phone I felt raw, like my skin had been scraped away, leaving me open to the world.  I took the dog for a walk and wanted to cry.  I realized that crying won't change anything.  Me talking to him won't change anything.  This is not my circus.  It is his path and I let it go.  And then something wonderful happened.  Lucy and I went for a long walk and I didn't even think about my son.  I relaxed.  I enjoyed the trees, the evening, the birds.  It was peaceful and I remembered that the world is inside my head and I can decide how I want to feel about it.  That it's up to me, not others. 


6 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry about your son. That must be hard. And good for you for opting for peace.

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  2. That revelation that the world is inside our own heads and we can decide how we want to feel about it and deal with the Issue of Life are so liberating! With the Prodigal Daughter, who has had an Adult Lifetime of serious Mental Illness and dangerous Drug Addiction, Jail and other Institutionalization time was almost constant for many years. It was always hard to know what to tell her Children, the ones I'm raising, about Mommy being locked up again, whether in a Mental or Penal Institution. She finally began to 'get it'... sometimes with added Maturity and introspection that comes with hitting rock bottom too many times, sometimes they do 'get it'. I pray that for your Beloved Son, he too will eventually 'get it', because I know the depth of your Pain is measured by the depth of your Love. But until he 'gets it' you have to disconnect just enough to have a Peace about the situation, which is always difficult and a Process. Big Virtual Hugs.

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  3. We are unbelievably short staffed as well. Double overtime offered every day. I don't take it because I would end up in a serious depression

    What to say about your son? Have you tried Al Anon? I have some felllow bloggers on my blog roll who are in Al Anon. It seems to help if only to have someone understand. I am taking a shot in the dark and guessing there is some sort of substance abuse involved. My mom went when she was living because dealing with my brother was hell. So many parents go and just cry for the entire meeting. It is so painful to love someone and hate everything about them.

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  4. I'm so sorry. I'm sitting here feeling great empathy, knowing how hard it is to get those phone calls. In my case it is one of my sisters. However, I am fully cognizant that it would be even more painful if she was my child. I think Birdie is right about Al Anon being a possible support. But most of all, I like her last sentence: "It is so painful to love someone and hate everything about them." That really is the crux of the matter.

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  5. Sending love your way. I'm so glad you had a moment of peace. It is so hard, this living business. So hard. But so beautiful sometimes too.

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  6. Nature bathing is my favorite method of releasing anxiety and taking a break from the sorrows of the world. I think it should be mandatory for everyone experiencing pain and particularly for people in your profession.

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